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|Saturday, November 17th, 2012|
|this tiny heart claw
I've been so focused on the heartbreak, I forgot to stop and ask for directions. Who am I now... now that I am in a place as unfamiliar as the skin on my back.
Here I am nearly 30 and as lost as I'll ever be. Once again I didn't just lose a man, I lost a home, a community, and even an entire state this time. I can't even think to go back to Washington without winching right now.
The questions of what happened and how did it get this way have faded into the emptiness. I'm not asking anymore, just sinking. There is so much goodness and so much richness in my life. Each new opportunity seems like a trap to recrystallize my sense of self. This is who I AM. This is the way I AM. The I is crumbling rapidly. Too quickly to know where to go next or what my purpose is.
The rivers of pain run deep. If I follow them surly I will be consumed by an overwhelming sea of purposelessness. There are only so many letter I can write without sending. There are only so many days I can spend in bed waiting for the aching to stop. So this is what it's like to loose everything. It's all too familiar. I don't want to be strong anymore. I don't want to be "conscious." I want to feel what I feel and do whatever it is that the mood calls for.
I know I need to lift myself beyond these unfamiliar turquoise walls where I came to either run away or hide... still undecided. Why am I here? In a place where there are no friends to call closer. Where I walk the streets just to find no one knows me? I miss my home. But my home is gone. I didn't seem to like it much when I was there. But now that I've been asked to never come back, I want nothing more than to crawl into the prison of those walls again.
Who am I in this world? Today, is the first day that I haven't been overwhelmed with missing a man in a month. No, today I miss me, and all the while who I thought I was is dying. So even though I'm right here, reaching a hand out towards myself, there is nothing to hold onto. I'm turning to dust, and each part of me I try to hold, crumbles beneath the weight of my fingers. I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl staring at me and I don't what she wants. Her expectant gaze follows me, needy and unwilling.
And as I write, it's as though each sentence is being pulled out of my heart by a sharp tiny claw. As if, if I just write enough words there will be nothing left inside of me. I'll be empty... finally nothing left. No more stories about the life I lived well, or the life I could have lived, or who I am, or about what I've accomplished. This raw tiny claw scraping out these strings of words will surely let loose my blood. And if, by some twisted miracle, this pain doesn't kill me, I have no idea what's left. What could possibly be on the other side of this emptying?
|Thursday, October 16th, 2003|
The second day of of the most intense training of my life has just wound down. Yesterday, on my 20th birthday, I started at a school of energy healing, and already the rapid growth is unfolding. Just being with a group of strangers (who are quickly becoming friends) that all share the same dream of reaching out, expanding ourselves, helping others through our own awareness. This time is challenge, transformation. 12 hour days of training leaving me energized and excited. This is the best thing I've ever done for to the contribution to Oneness. This is the science of energy and the laying on of life. It's the projection of love and the journey toward truth. Everything is. and it's just a matter of finding the resonance of things to connect with and "communicate" with it. I so want to say more but the machanics of this machine can not sing my soul.
|Friday, October 3rd, 2003|
|Beautiful Blissful October
A month of change and challenge. I have a place to sleep this month, a mini airstream in the woods dubbed the Pumpkin. Energy school count down. In less than two weeks I begin on a voyage...the journey that lay ahead is life long and exciting. Two of my older brothers have impregnated their women and are now expectant first time fathers. It makes me anxious to begin my voyage even more so I am be a strong pillar in this family. The prospect of a community has become more of a necessity than a dream. I just want to live with tribe and family, be self sufficient, grow and cultivate our own food, water, energy. Have a place others can come and heal and be. The tribe is growing on my island, and consciousness is expanding. We are all dreamers becoming dreamer doers.
|Monday, September 29th, 2003|
|Thank you universe
The winds have swept me wild. the fog has rolled in as if to frost my smile. I am having the best time simply living. There is no common times. No scale or schedule. I've been drifting on an intuitive tide, and wound up just where I need to be. I left on a whim of tears to find a love I tried to loose in a place I never wanted to go back to. I was with my family, in the woods and wandering neighborhoods feeling youthful and light at last. I found those shattered pieces of myself, carefully patching them together to make something totally new and completely solid. Then I came back to my homeless home, and climbed a Young mountain to greet the tribe. I met my brothers with in embrace, standing on top of the world with with the universe flying over head. there is that same vast excitement under the stars these days. We walk down together, both bare foot in the dark. The ease of real interactions, we know one another, it seems like it's been a lifetime. We dont leave the boat home for the next few days. Just float in a sanctuary of life flourishing around. i watched the sun sink and then shade the sky again...with peace. There is no complication. Just pure untainted friendship. I can hardly imagine I am so close to a male without sexuality, and he is not of blood...he is my brother. We look at one another and know. I feel all my worlds blending beautifully. It's not anything more than what it is, and I feel so blessed to be alive. My loves, my lives, my families all undeniably one.
Mom said to me today:
Do you know what spirituality is?
It is taking a deep breath, focusing it in your mind, and sending it to your heart...that is spirituality. Current Mood: ready, here, alive
|Friday, September 26th, 2003|
|this very now
After too many questions of where I am, I have come to a place I once could'nt wait to leave and found simple love and youthful lightness. It feels good here. I had to come to face the parts of me I've tried to deny. I am unfolding into something extraordinary and facing my past as a whole new future. Each passing moment is different, and I am trying to not be so eager to learn too quickly...I would only end up being tossed around...if only i could be patient and see things for what they are, avoiding all the mishap and gliding right through the lesson. it certainly hasn't been my style of approach. I've flown as high as I could and came barreling down to crash and burn and say 'Oh Ya!' I honestly believe all that can be avoided, so let it be. Patience young one. look at things for what they are.
|Monday, September 22nd, 2003|
|Nomad by Sea
Through inlets, and passages we find our homes. The last nomadic lifestyle aboard a cabin cruiser. each liquid skyline we fly to, every subtle sea slop, each passing beauty is undeniably apart of this great connection. we sit a pone a Spot and watch the sky change. colors so true it fills eyes with water. to see, to be in this vast expanse of beauty. For an endless weekend we find a home every place we go. Like the birds above us, we fly on an only slightly denser sky. Moonbeams and phosphorescent galaxies. Sun shine and naked beauties. waters opening in calm softness, to glide between destinations. On Lopez, Island we find a family juggle festable, with inspiration and excitement filling the air. At night a feast is served, then a performance of naked fire jugglers jumping into the night. When the twirling flames are extinguished strangers and friends sit around a warming fire circle exchanging funny stories, heart-filled songs, puppet performances, laughter, language, communication, beauty. We walk back with smiles and love it here. It is our home for the night. Then, a day filled with love and a sunset movement west toward our island.
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2003|
|The Haunted Phone Call and My Two Loves
It feels good to be here.
I have seen the figure of her dead husband wandering these hall. I am glade she is coming home tonight, no more fed comas or toy dog barks. The phone has rang many times and I pick up, only emptiness answers. Usually it is a while before they call back, but tonight, my last night, when phone rang and no one answered, it rang again a few minutes latter.
a mans voice says groggaly, "Why are you suffering?"
"Yes is M_ W_ there?"
"No, no she isnt."
"Ok thank you."
And they hang up. I look at caveman with wide eyes, and tell him what I thought I herd. He just looks at me and says,"why are you suffering."
I close my eyes as fleeting images fill me. I think of her dead husband and his unresolved issues. I think of the love in my life and how there just cant seem to only be one. There is always someone else causing me to question. Two separate worlds I love for different reasons. This causes me to not be able to simply be with one person. There is always a mystery, unexplored aspects
|Monday, September 15th, 2003|
True, this day isnt much different from my other recent numb days, but at last I feel something. There is spinning within me. I caught hold of the pain and let it wash through me, to be release in tearful bursts. I admit, I have never done so much of nothing in my life, but I feel these wounds healing and slowly I will come out of this rejuvenated. I am clearer today than other days. I've done less, but feel more alive. I've been sending love to my icy demons, and giving up the casting-out-love-fight. I have not lost track of beauty through tragedies. I do not brood on the pains of the past. They've been flooding in to be dealt with one by one, each in it's own difficult way. to recognize and overcome and shout out my determination to no longer be ruled by these blocks...I feel more real than ever. These great gaps in the lessons are finally being fully taught. To make peace. to find forgiveness in the loss of hope for a better past. I am stepping forward. i had to be stagnant in my body for a while, without distractions, to see things for what they are. This is only a means to an end for a beginning.
|Sunday, September 14th, 2003|
These symbols forming sounds can never truly express the whirl of change within us. There are holes in stone that hold memories. I am connected with my history so not to forget what we've always know. Without every moment that's ever been, we would'nt have this here and now...no matter how high or low, it's worth every second. And I am basking in breath, landscape, my own coming to life. What a haze I've been drifting through, but that absent time had to be, to fully express this very instant. I've just come back to this draining space, because this is where my commitments are. I am here to warm my hands on this sweet cup of tea. to make a list of what I want and dont want, and overcome my fear of manifestation. to clean up the lack-of-life I've been sinking in.
Tonight we watched the sky fall into rainbow colors. I could see energy rippling from the Tribes' bodies. Layers of aura bodies expanding outward. My Seeing is coming back. I am alive. Darkness begins above us and creeps it's way down to every horizon, engulfing the west last. the sky is lit with stars that fill our eyes and open our hearts in all new ways. There are feeling filling me. Unshed battles long since lost. I win them tonight with my words. Resolving pasts, bringing tears to a caveman's eyes. The pain spills out of me and transforms to love. My speech turns to poetry as I unleash my heart's words. History becomes beauty like the landscape. Mid sentence I am compelled to completely turn around, "This is why we are still here, we have unfinished business." The moon answers as the first faint rays of her glory shines through the trees. We watch the grand golden misshapen baby being born over the horizon. She greets us with her ever changing knowledge. We follow flattened grass paths back to the waters edge poetry spinning cartwheels from my tongue. Current Mood: Alive
|Saturday, September 13th, 2003|
|better than it sounds?
Deep fried distractions. Numb dellirium.
I need to go through this right now to break through to...
When I see those brillent eyes, and share these sparkling smiles, I feel love in everything.
Something in me wont let go. Is'nt it true that just when we think we've gotten somewhere we're tossed back down. the lessons never end. change is the road to conisouness...i am learning as the landscape spins by, sometimes stopping to take a picture or read a sign. There is no easy part in loosing love. I am just trying to rejoyus in the beauty at hand and the life I've lived. Still I am eager to claw my way from this numb cage and feel. rub my body on each passing beauty. Caress curles with my toung. Eating is not filling this empty space. my vision is clouded. things dont smell so sweet. I want to break down to superfisal sexiness...but I am sure I wont. I am too afraid of complexities. Too nervous one of these spirits might attach. So i am sitting horney, numb, smiling in sunshine not knowing why.
|Friday, September 12th, 2003|
New day breaking at noon.
It's excitement mixed with grievance.
Sink or fly...
Purity or explosion.
|Thursday, September 11th, 2003|
It can be the littlest things that get us thinking about those in our hearts, whom we have so much history. A small song comes on, the way i find myself speaking, a rain cloud...I think of him. this journal is formed for lonely people. How can so many feel so alone? What is it in our lives that make us forget and feel disconnected to everything? why when two people love each other so much, can they not just simply be? Things are slowing down for me. the world is floating, and everything that just was is remembered in a dream state. I've been eating myself to sickness. What is this void of numbness within me. My senses are faltering, and I am just trying to taste to feel real. I am in love with life. I am completely in love. Living. But there are still these moments of sinking, willing to sink downward in the depth of this sweet nothing.
|Wednesday, September 10th, 2003|
|where the hell am i
I havent moved for hours. the more the rain falls down, the more numbness encompasses me. I am completely still. there is no ounce of motivation left in me. I've been laying, writing, reading my words, and drifting into dreams all day. I am simply starring out the window wall, watching the red wings of black birds contrasting against the sky. Opening my eyes long enough to focus on the moister swirling in the air, and the unbending trees alive and green. What more have I become than a couch cushion, a lazy dog? I know soon I will have to enter the concrete world to greet a city friend. really I could be alone for an eternity. Sink into this sleepy world of rain song and random writing. Life will slowly come to me. Current Mood: sleepy
The rain falls down here. The world is fresh and green. I am happy to see the grey sky. those comforting clouds. this winter, they will not be suffocation or gloom. They will be the thick blanket over all beauty. that absent sky will be the soft feeling of sleep, of reminder to slow down, the teaching to ground rather than be lost in the clouds.
|Following the Dawn
Mornings have always been difficult for me to face, but ,at last, the calm silence of morning sooths me. I greet the new day with opportunity and insight. At this time, it is easer to hear, to listen to what the world is speaking. It is our second chance, our new beginning, our fresh start...and it happens everyday. The sun spills over the darkened earth, and casts fine light rays across the land. Slowly warming, gently offering newness. Begin again. Yesterday is nothing without today.
These past few mornings I've been awakening with warmth and goodness. Early rising and blissful dreams. Soft smiles make me. I walk through the earth's fresh wetness. Millions of smells mingling through my senses. Fog clinging to valleys. myst over still lakes. blazing skies above the bay. Illuminated mountains. the rejuvenated wholeness of taking the teachings of yesterday, and going forth in a whole new way.
Living purely for the act of expression. Express yourself. In every word you say, in the movement of your body, in the art form of life. Express the world with a smile. Express connection with your eyes. Express bliss in one kismet kiss. I am here to be...simply...who I am.
|Tuesday, September 9th, 2003|
Night time battles.
Lay awake for hours...
there is clawing at my insides.
I become an icy river.
There is no capturing the current.
I move knowing only this crystal self.
Come on in, the water is fine.
|Monday, September 8th, 2003|
|The one who has been The One
How can I keep from thinking of him...from him entering my thoughts and taking me elsewhere. How do I finalize what has been for so long. At times I feel the waves of anxiety stirring in his belly. I speak him with every interaction, and I know it is time to sever the ties. Release this rope I have around his heart. The more he has fought for me, the more I wince away. I dont want struggle anymore. How could I leave behind such a large piece of myself, my brother, my lover, my best friend...
I must listen to what my soul speaks and, when saturated with another, I can hardly hear the winds of truth whispering in my ears. Those gentle zephyrs have become bellowing blows...I can no longer ignore. I want to tell him so many things, but afraid he'll take my words the wrong way. he may read this and derive a thousand meanings from one word...please take it for what it is. For truth and not pain.
I want to tell you a story in my life. I was once with a man who I felt was my one true love, and our time together had to end. I spent two years of wondering where the days had brought him, missing him, loving him, wishing I could see him again. On the morning of the second year apart, I had a dream. That dream made me realize I had been in love with a ghost. That man only existed in my mind, heart, and dreams. i felt I could never find what I had with him, not with anyone. But then I discovered it wasnt him that I really missed and loved...it was that feeling of truth, beauty, being connected to something beyond the both of us, it was that feeling of liberation. in him I had placed all my hopes, dreams, admiration, fear, love, and, with that, I made him something he was not. It took me two years of wonderment and doubt to figure out that the person I was in love with only existed in my heart. it wasnt him I was searching for. It kept me from moving on, and loving you fully. I knew then, if I ever wanted to feel that again, I had to look deep within myself, into the depths of my own heart, and there feel oneness, everything, the universe. Find all that goodness in me and not another. Feel oneness in everything I look at. Each blade of grass, each set of bright eyes, each salty shoreline...and "he" would be there. It was in my determination to love and long for him, that kept me from being whole. I did not want to loose "the best thing that had ever happened to me." As soon as I let go of him, I found myself. I found all I had been looking for. i found the peace I had fought for. It had been there all the while, I simply had to let go and let it be. I had been so afraid to let go, afraid to loose what was truly important. i did not believe in myself enough to know I could find it without another. I see all the beauty in the world when i look into your eyes. I see all the truth burried under the pain. It's alright to feel pain, to be human, to love everything.
When I hear the pain in your words, I understand, and I dont want to cut you off from our friendship like he did to me, but I know it must be finalized in order for us both to move on. You may think I am heartless to be able to deal with this so well, but it is a lesson I have learned not to put so much in one person, not to expect things, not to get caught up, or make someone what they are not. I am not expecting you to understand all there is in these words...it took me two years to learn this, but I do want to let you know this...all that you love in me is already a part of you. You do not have to miss me, feel me in each smooth sleep, each soft fern, each pulse in the earth. That's where our hearts will be, forever beating in unison with the pulse of everything. You always have a special place in my heart. I am forever loving you.
I awake feeling completely inspired. Inspird to live, to love, to write, and be. These past few days I've been sifting through the turmoil of my life. Allowing it to come, recognizing it for what it is, feeling it in my body, trying to accept it for what it is, releasing.
There is much anger in me still. I think of myself as such a peaceful person, but since that phone call two mornings ago I''ve felt a venum in me needing release. find patience. The dog is pawing at my leg, and it is pissing me off. Why? I don't want to be picked at, poked at while I am focusing on other things. i dont want to feel like I am needed, or expected to do something. I only want to do what I am inspired to do, and the more I feel I have to do something the less I'll be willing to do it. I dont want to force anything, fight, or make things what they are not.
It seems I've been walking through a dream of goodness. Yesterday the rains came, and the tribe walked grassy hills overlooking 360 degrees of goodness. The clouds whirled above in a rippling sea of intricate excitement. As the rain fell down we lay on the warm earth letting raindrops fill our eyes. mists over the water, the olympic mountains peeking trough. we all walk back arm in arm feeling, tripping on the glory of living.