Greystone (livelovelight) wrote,
Greystone
livelovelight

The one who has been The One

How can I keep from thinking of him...from him entering my thoughts and taking me elsewhere. How do I finalize what has been for so long. At times I feel the waves of anxiety stirring in his belly. I speak him with every interaction, and I know it is time to sever the ties. Release this rope I have around his heart. The more he has fought for me, the more I wince away. I dont want struggle anymore. How could I leave behind such a large piece of myself, my brother, my lover, my best friend...
I must listen to what my soul speaks and, when saturated with another, I can hardly hear the winds of truth whispering in my ears. Those gentle zephyrs have become bellowing blows...I can no longer ignore. I want to tell him so many things, but afraid he'll take my words the wrong way. he may read this and derive a thousand meanings from one word...please take it for what it is. For truth and not pain.
I want to tell you a story in my life. I was once with a man who I felt was my one true love, and our time together had to end. I spent two years of wondering where the days had brought him, missing him, loving him, wishing I could see him again. On the morning of the second year apart, I had a dream. That dream made me realize I had been in love with a ghost. That man only existed in my mind, heart, and dreams. i felt I could never find what I had with him, not with anyone. But then I discovered it wasnt him that I really missed and loved...it was that feeling of truth, beauty, being connected to something beyond the both of us, it was that feeling of liberation. in him I had placed all my hopes, dreams, admiration, fear, love, and, with that, I made him something he was not. It took me two years of wonderment and doubt to figure out that the person I was in love with only existed in my heart. it wasnt him I was searching for. It kept me from moving on, and loving you fully. I knew then, if I ever wanted to feel that again, I had to look deep within myself, into the depths of my own heart, and there feel oneness, everything, the universe. Find all that goodness in me and not another. Feel oneness in everything I look at. Each blade of grass, each set of bright eyes, each salty shoreline...and "he" would be there. It was in my determination to love and long for him, that kept me from being whole. I did not want to loose "the best thing that had ever happened to me." As soon as I let go of him, I found myself. I found all I had been looking for. i found the peace I had fought for. It had been there all the while, I simply had to let go and let it be. I had been so afraid to let go, afraid to loose what was truly important. i did not believe in myself enough to know I could find it without another. I see all the beauty in the world when i look into your eyes. I see all the truth burried under the pain. It's alright to feel pain, to be human, to love everything.
When I hear the pain in your words, I understand, and I dont want to cut you off from our friendship like he did to me, but I know it must be finalized in order for us both to move on. You may think I am heartless to be able to deal with this so well, but it is a lesson I have learned not to put so much in one person, not to expect things, not to get caught up, or make someone what they are not. I am not expecting you to understand all there is in these words...it took me two years to learn this, but I do want to let you know this...all that you love in me is already a part of you. You do not have to miss me, feel me in each smooth sleep, each soft fern, each pulse in the earth. That's where our hearts will be, forever beating in unison with the pulse of everything. You always have a special place in my heart. I am forever loving you.
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